Write Ups and Blogs

Run 2515 – Botak @ Empire Avenue Reserve

Monday the ninth of April – a night to remember! Botak, and his ex-Vanuatu Hash mate Dick Cargo, set us a run in the hilliest, most mountainous of Perth suburbs (unless you include where the hillbillies come from). Wembley Downs, noted for housing some of those athletes who came to the Commonwealth games when they were held in Perth, provided an excellent venue for demonstrating our athletic prowess. After welcoming a few returnees and visitors, and also the West Coast Hash boys who were running with us, we set off through the leafy streets of this serene suburb. Many of us, myself included, were completely spent by the top of the first hill. No sympathy from Botak though. Five kilometers into the run the trail was still heading outwards. Eventually the end appeared, but only after I had run (well, partly run)  7.6 kilometers.

The bucket was more convivial than usual, possibly due to the high number of returnees, including Tank and Fingers, and the presence of our younger brethren from the other Hash. Bushranger treated us to a tour of his new BMW  X5, which had every gizmo conceivable. The car was so pristine and shiny that I am surprised that Bushy allows it out on the streets, especially on a Hash night. Birthday boys were Shaken, who brought along a carton of Elsie beer (I once had an Aunty called Elsie) and JJJ who did not bring along a carton as he found the instructions for providing it to be too complicated. Scumbag treated us to some entertainment by smashing a glass bottle on the ground in front of the wagon, and a collective down-down was laid on for all the runners of English origin. Quite a number, except for the notable absence of Scummy who was too embarrassed to appear in front of the gathering – always was a shy, retiring fellow was Scummy.

The run was very well received and was followed by some generously topped pizzas – not the thin cardboard type with a smear  of tomato paste across the top. Well done Botak – we look forward to your next run



Pembo turns it on or Phantom M.I.A. Pack panics

Pembo turns it on




Phantom M. I . A Pack panics



A lovely warm autumn day  as I drove up ,caught up with my wife at the home then swung over to Willetton for my first Laksa run, Crayfish has been talking of this and giving top marks so I thought it was ideal to see the boys and enjoy a run with them. When I arrived at the car park they were wandering around with worried looks on their faces, what's up I said ,well the wagons missing and so is Phantom and we are not sure what to do he always gets things organised, personally I though the wagon was more important but kept this to myself. There must be a shortage of co hares as Pembo had selected Elbows.


All the old faces were there and I was flat out meeting and greeting, Barefoot must have gone via an aged care centre as he brought some old derelicts along to enjoy the  night , how thoughtful of him. Antman arrived with his crew and the pack built up still no sign of the wagon but its time to go. Trail marked with permanent paint so we use it again, a good energy saving measure, runners this way, walkers well two ways I went the wrong way and never really caught up. I'm with Colonel and his dog [no kids in sight] Mark 1 decided after 300 metres that was enough and turned for home, we battled on manfully keeping the walkers in sight but never catching them, the trail was well marked in fluorescent paint [green] and dodged in and out, a solid pace showed how unfit  I was the runners were behind us as we ducked down a pathway between houses. THEN a large fat lady came out and told us in no uncertain terms  to keep the noise down,this irritated Mole who gave her a big ON On whereupon she said  “I hope your arse blows up” to which Mole replied “ If it looked like you I hope it does” speeding up in case the husband came out, then thinking no chance she's got one ,we hit a park littered with dogs, Colonel gives the dog its head and there were so many bums to choose from it didn't know which one to sniff.


Still behind but at Pembos its a drink stop being late we got the dregs, Mrs Pembo handled the mob gracefully and we are off ,its nearing the hour not home yet, Rusty Nuts draws level and gives me the guff on the gossip then its home. A quick ice cold beer settled things down although Rumpole still looked a bit worried ,Elbows is dishing the drinks in a professional fashion I pointed out to Rumpole that as the wagon was late nobody got a drink before the run a cash saving measure, this cheered him up. All too soon its circle Horse takes control [well sort of] bellows out some general business , Emu takes over and the pack cop it including me as the oldest runner as this Sunday I am 81. Later that night I realised how unfit I am when I went to sit down.


Anyhow the queue forms in front of me was a lady in a bright green top , sari and a bandana obviously a local caught up by mistake no its Bushie letting his inner child out.We sit down Pembo dishes out a Barossa red Polecat and I  thought it was a cheeky wine and we were amused by its preciousness. Around comes the Laksa my bowl could have doubled for a hand basin, I tucked in had a chat to Emu and Neon and the foods great , more wine, then the raffle left the cash in the car so no chance. Cripes another dish I'm full to the brim so give it a miss but Budgie[67 kg wringing wet] finishes it off.


Full to the brim I bid adieu and headed for home being in the wrong lane I missed the Freeway and did the grand night time tour of the Fiona Stanley car parks back on track and little traffic dawesville looms. Thansk to all Pembo10/10.





Run 2514 Pembo’s (9th) Easter Tuesday Laksa Run

It was a warm balmy evening when the pack assembled in anticipation of Pembo’s annual Easter Tuesday Run, to be followed by the Laksa meal at his chosen eatery.

Horse called us to order at precisely 6.00 pm, then encouraged Pembo to tell us what was in store. No one believed him when he said that the walkers’ trail was marked with Hi Vi paint, but it was subsequently found to be so. Astonishing, when an earlier paint-marked run by Pembo, some time ago, sparked something akin to the current debate over Messrs. Smith, Warner and Bancroft!

The runners ran, the walkers shuffled, the dogs did what dogs do, and we advanced into Pembo country. Then followed a welcome diversion into Pembo’s back yard, for a mid-run drinks stop – more than kind, and much appreciated.

Then we hurried-on into the ever darkening evening, before returning to The Beer Truck just before 07.00. Emu was firm but discrete, Horse was avuncular. The down-downees were accepting of their fate and, soon, we hurried into the eatery for the promised Laksa, preceded by spring rolls, washed down by the darkest Shiraz it has ever been your reporter’s pleasure to sample.

Afficianados of Asian food declared the Laksa excellent, and required the chef and his staff to acknowledge our appreciation of the food, with their down-downs. There were some who darkly muttered that they would have preferred sausage, but not me, Botak, your white Singaporean.

It was a great evening, appreciated by all. I hope that my Wembley Downs adventure next week will be as good, although the pizza that I will be serving-up will be a faint shadow of the quality and quantity of the Laksa.



Run 2512 – The Mole and Dick Tracy @ Kallaroo

The weather was good and torches were not yet needed. Twenty-one runners set out (and came back!) and the walkers looked to be a similar number. With the runners were two hounds; a very small one with Moses and there was 'Meeka' a dingo type from Meekatharra? showing Nanny how to run!

We found the trail prominently marked including many FTs and although somewhat confusing (especially when our own 'FT' often ran back through us) it all seemed to keep us together. This was comforting for our tailenders Triple J., Emu, Action, 3G (back from Spain; might run The Bulls another time) Ringburner, Pitt, Haggis, and Barefoot of course who heard from Ringburner that his cousin ? Henderson played rugby for Ireland in the victory over England the previous Saturday! And on St. Patrick's day! Efforts are being made to see this — Ringburner hasn't seen it himself yet!

We didn't see the walkers until 7 pm when we arrived together at the bucket! Brilliant! Of course they had been tasting beer (at Whitford's Brewery?) as evidenced by Vimeo (between bouncing boobs). The Hare told me he measured the entire run at about 7.5 km? and including all false trails at 12 km.

At The Bucket Religious Adviser Emu kept us amused with solemn stories plus an amusing one about a dog named "Sex".

We had a hot soup richly supplied with potatoes and including onion, meat, and a nice, sticky gravy sauce (I found it hard to clean off the bowls) and I guessed it was 'goulash'.

The Hares were complimented on their run, weather, light and scored 8.5/10.

 BAREFOOT, runner and scribe.


Run 2511 Barcode with Boner @ Hedley Jorgensen Park

The baying hash hounds assembled in the hills just west of Kalgoorlie on a hot autumn evening in frantic anticipation of catching and devouring the infamous Hillbilly Hares. Although the hounds had travelled a great distance for this event there was no delays to start this event.

The horn sounded, the baying increased and into the hot Parrot Bush scrub they ventured, impeded only by the clever laying of small orange ball bearing like stones by the Hillbilly Hares. Uphill, down dale, some strange black top surface and more ball bearings.

The hounds were treated to a well-earned, although short drink stop to continue the chase. After 55 minutes of chasing the Hillbilly Hares they returned emptyhanded. More welcoming drinks were offered.

The gathering was addressed, redressed and undressed, the hares were awarded a score of 9.

The hounds then fed on some unusual but tasty game meat served with corn a potato salad. Some more drinks and the hounds slowly found their way back to their home kennels.

RUN 2507     2017 AGPU at the Goat Farm in Greenmount

RUN 2507     2017 AGPU at the Goat Farm in Greenmount

The day was warm with a nice sea breeze blown into the foothills. The Hares Boner & Barcode had set the trail and were walking the supplies to the drink stop, when smoke was noticed in the south west corner on the run. Being on the side of the hill and under the phone tower, Boner got his five bar connection to dial 000. Phone calls in the Hills don’t always connect due to location.

The smoke was pushed up the hill from the Heritage Trail near Coulston Rd and the sirens of the Fire & Rescue vehicles could be heard heading to any spot the light tankers could mop up. The big tankers slowly negotiated the wash out access track towards the Goat Farm carpark. They had as much trouble picking their line of least resistance as The Mole did on his motorbike. This was an arson fire lit by someone on a motorbike.

The pack assembled with the runners heading off downhill attracted by the smell of smoke. A challenging run set by Boner, 3G took his phone so he could not get lost on Dad’s run. The walkers headed uphill & uphill with a false trail on the downhill southern slope. This was the warm up to get to the drink stop perched on top of a gravely knoll. Were all the wall blocks carried up to site? The walkers and our media man (Sherlock) gently navigated down the pea gravel surface to reach some BMX tracks and back to the bucket. The runners drank & carried the remaining Emu Bitter & Swan Draught cans down the hill to the table with the nibbles, all laid out for the last of the seagulls to devour.

Beers, food & awards were all taken up to the shelter for the Oscar evening (no red carpet) with only Bushy parading in a skirt. There were many down downs, even ICE for committee members and songs from Gumby. Anniversary mugs were handed out to Jaapie, Rumpole, Gnocchi, Budgie, Mumbles, Mark 1, Barefoot, & Crayfish. The Seagull committee tried to put shit on most of the members, with only a few standing still to receive the annual awards. Read all about it in the hard copy anal.

The Hound Dog Committee was introduced by the sounds of Elvis; he must be a walker by now. Action called the pack together to receive their nice new committee shirts and they actually fit.

The caterers from Jolly Belly in Glen Forrest prepared 3 curries & rice with pappadams for the pack. All the meat was eaten and that left some very tasty soup, too good to give to the dogs on the run.

A big thankyou to Seagull & his committee for the past years events. Barcode you can now put your feet up and relax with the family.

OnOn               Horse

Onsec Hound Dog Committee (slowly getting older & wiser)

Run 2508 Action @ Carine Open Space

The first run under the guardianship of the new Hound dog committee set by none other than GM Action and ably assisted by Moses and that entrée on a lead.

Carine open space is always a good starting point for a winter run and its  guaranteed to be cold. Whoops, it was a summer run – bring back global warming!


So off we headed, after the initial falsie split the pack, across the grass into a 50km gale, over Oakley Rd to the highlands of Carine. Plenty of falsies as we wound around before crossing Beach Rd., but I think already we had two packs by this time.

After what I would estimate to be 2/3 of the run, we lost the trail and decided once giddy, to head home, arriving about the same time as the front runners.

There followed a great circle, even a welcome to country complete with smoking ceremony.

Tucker was most very tasty and a good thing it was hot, given rather cool conditions.

A good night Action.


[Thanks to Dickie & Rumpole for giving the van a thorough cleaning]



On On Emu

The Hon Sec’s 2500 run write up

PH3 2500th Run

Almost 50 years ago, several young men gathered under the banner of the Perth Hash House Harriers for the very first time, and last week we celebrated our 2500th Run, a milestone to be proud of. So, after giving ourselves a day to recover from our celebratory dinner on the Saturday night, the group gathered on the Monday for our official milestone run (we’ve actually already had our 2501 – 2504, but hashers like to do things differently for sure).

Our group was joined by hashers from all over, notably most of the Hamersley guys, the West Coast guys, a few Harrietts and some from Rocky City so I believe, at the Olympic Kingsway Sports Club in Madeley. A massive thanks to all those who joined us from other Hash groups, we ended up with over a 100 folks which was great. So off went the packs, one of runners and one of walkers on trails set by two very experienced hares in FT and The Mole. I was told before the run started that it was designed specifically to f*#k up Phranger from West Coast and I believe it worked well. I wasn’t on the run, but I have had to field several complaints from the elderly residents of Wisteria Lane, I’ve suitably redirected them to Hamersley H3. From all reports the run was well marked, with interesting territory, and a drink stop which was typically hijacked by Hamersley who, as we all know, take it up the arse.

Back at the Kingsway Olympic, there was a frantic grab for the 2500th t-shirts, poor Gerry Can was getting smashed by eager PH3 members desperate to get their preferred size. Equally as smashed was the poor girl behind the bar who obviously had no idea how quickly Hashers can put away stubbies. As the finger food was handed around, the circle got underway, with Barcode struggling to reign in the raucous crowd. Never the less, as usual what he had to say was worth listening to. Some of our more esteemed members (read old), including Fags, Phantom, Chunder, Wagon, Sir Tomarse, Horse, Mumbles and Polecat were called up for their more than 40 years of membership with PH3. Past members who are no longer with us were also recognised. Barcode then continued to build his legacy of unity by inviting Phantom and Boner to kiss and make up, whilst heading off a potential conflict between our current Hash Flash Sherlock and our newest member Con who is a professional photographer. Ace and Ramrod were called up for causing a fuss at the 2500th dinner with dietary requirement issues. Ace for being a glutard (correct medical terminology for one who is gluten intolerant) and Ramrod for dropping Barcode in it with his wife by not arranging food she could eat. Rumpole would also have been called up, but ironically, he was absent due to a particularly nasty bout of food poisoning.

Then up came our RA who had engaged some the PH3 CSI team to investigate who it was who had won the raffle prize of a free root at the knocking shop on a run some decades ago. In true law enforcement style, when they can’t find the actual culprit, they make up some evidence and make an accusation. Phantom was duly handcuffed (I’m told this was what had happened in the knocking shop too) and taken down. The hares were called up and commended for an excellent run. Some more beers, some beef roles and another Perth Hash event was successfully closed out. Thanks to all who helped out and all those who came.

On on,


Horse and Pitt in Hazalmere

Horse and Pitt in Hazelmere

When I first arrived at the bucket, I thought we were going to be in the shit big time. Everything was going f#*king wrong. The bucket arrived full of warm beer thanks to the lack of ice. The hares had left the watering cans at home. There was no site of the Hon Sec (who apparently was caring for his wife, but maybe gone into hiding after he lost the run of the year trophy and then blamed the entire club for not returning it, only for it to resurface under his pool table.) There was no Grand Master either, though he did make a late appearance.

Quite obvious to all that there was only 1 week to go with this committee!

The run started on time with the hare pointing us on in the right direction while the co hare collected watering cans and Ice.

The run started with the usual loop around the park and then worked its way down to the Helena River Mosquito Plain. This is where it got interesting as we had all the runners following trail in a paddock, while a nameless walker started calling on, 400 meters away. To say this led to mass confusion is an understatement. To the walkers, the lesson learnt here is to allow the runners to find the trail!

On we went through some quaint suburban streets and up to the railway lines, where the pack briefly lost the trail before finding it again under the recently graffitied bridges. We clambered through the empty spray cans and used syringes and back into the houses, only briefly though as the trail then took us into waist high grass as we came back to the river.

We battled through and ended up in the new housing estate before coming back out onto west parade with a short on home.

A great run, well set by the hares.

The circle was high jacked by a minority group of hashmen trying to bribe the RA into changing our newly acquired member’s (Sunfish) name. This act of treason was convincingly shouted down and Sun fish shall live on. Gumby then reminded everyone what can happen if you try to change your name, you usually end up with a worse one! Plenty of poor hash men have copped names they aren’t too happy about, but that is the beauty of hash. They are hash names, used at hash, for hashing purposes.

The hares then provided a ham and salad roll which went down a treat. Great job Horse and Pitt.

2500 Run

I think the outgoing flock of seagulls deserve at least another two feathers in their caps.
One for the excellent social gathering of past and present members of the club on Saturday night, and the 2nd, one for the    venue and  the 2.5 run. Top marks to PR crew or was it the Phantom? for the gathering of the clans,  cause he knows everyone!  Must be why he had handcuffs on.
It might have been the acoustics or the West Coast pricks complaining about “No Chips”.  It was difficult to hear what was going on.  Anyway they soon shut up when all the finger food came out.  Talk about Seagulls.
After the circle, Hamersley  started bitching.  They thought that was all the food they would get, until they saw Perth Hash forming a queue to receive a very succulent roast beef roll.   Well done.
The Run must have been o.k. as I heard no complaints from the Harriett's.  You won’t anyway as they are always busy catching up on the latest gossip.The walk was very good, except for one small glitch.  The Phantom went down a dead end street;  he called it a false trail! until we got back on track.  Job well done to the Flock.
As they fly off into the sunset in February they may be  persued  by the Pack of Mongrels”,  You first heard  it from Xmas.
The title of the GM will be changed to FIDO and the ON SEC known as “The Bitch”.
Hash Cash will be the “Dog Catcher”.
The Circle, The Dog Pound”
All currant canines will be brought back in and all “Puppies”  the rest of us caught yapping in the Pound will be tied up on leashes,  15 meters away (watch out Scummy.)
Dog Collars will be sold by Hash Hasberdashery        with name tags extra.
On the runs or “Walkies”  as they will come to be known. There will be no running up the ass of anyone.  If you need a piss, you are required  to   stand on one leg  next to a lamp post.  Chewing  up pussys will not be tolerated, just ask  Antman.   Licking  your own balls is o.k.
If you need a dump, just ask Ramrod, he carries plenty of spare  yellow bags. 
On return to the pound there will be no more chips as the Mongrels have talked Pembo into bringing along 20 kilo bags of dog bickies.
And to conclude in the New Speak, it’s not ON On but Woof Woof.
Xmas (The Dog Whisperer)