Write Ups and Blogs

Horse trots through swan view



What's the difference between a hash run in Claremont and a hash run in Swan View?

About 50 false trails.


How do you know your GPS is set correctly for Horse's run?

It measures in FT not km.


I thought there was only one FT in hash 'till last Monday night!


The run was only 10km and I reckon about 11km of that was false trails.


Horse walks into a bar.

The barman says "False trail, check back"


We only have 3 markings for a hash run; an arrow, a check and a false trail. Horse only knows one!


A good circle is a short circle! But a good false trail is … who am I kidding? There are no good false trails!


Confucius, he say "a hash man who runs all false trails has a lot to learn"


An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Aussie go for a run in Swan View. The Englishman finds a false trail, turns around and shouts "False trail, check back". Next, the Aussie finds a false trail waits until the pack have caught up with him and then shouts "False trail, check back". The Scotsman was a walker.


Now, I'm not saying Monday's run had lots of false trails, but Mastitis managed to find two!


I’m sure most of you are just about sick of hills runs by now, with this being the second in a row, but I’m afraid you’ll just have to put up with them for at least another week!


On On


2472 Stewie and 3g annoy Lesmurdie

Run 2472      “A Melody of Roasted Vegetables”

Hares               STEWIE (Grandad) & G3 (Grandson) Date 12/06/17

Lesmurdie is a difficult hills suburb to travel to, just ask Emu & Haggis as they had navigational problems & were late. The bucket made it up the hill easily with a cool easterly blowing into the radiator & half a ration of ice. There were many club members standing under the colour bond patio, giving advice to Rumpole & Stewie on where to park it. Sherlock was complaining about Hillbillies & inbreeding, Mumbles did not understand what inbreeding was. Polecat arrived early, Phantom did not show, both situations most unusual. Dollar was worried about honkey nuts falling on his squashed down red Mazda although the red tailed cockatoos had gone to bed by the start of the run.

Sit Tomarse felt the cold and put his overalls on before starting the walk, Deeply Boring’s dog did not feel the cold as she was on heat and the grey hound was not interested, too much effort involved to sniff. The pack headed out to Grove Rd and left the young ‘Colts’ footballers to do their training in the dropping temperature. I did not see any of the runners, except witnessing The Mole lead the pack across the oval and home in 59 minutes. It must have been a great run, with Seagull & Boner leading a visiting runner in, can we sign him up, as he is younger than the average age & faster.

In the circle Scumbag got tongue tyeded trying to explain why he did not have his birthday carton there and when he is going to bring it. However his visitor Paul, made more sense when talking to him. The Mole brought his birthday carton and donated the ice back to the bucket. Sherlock did a down-down for his eighth anniversary, I wonder if he will ever run out of material found on the net to enhance his record of the PH3 gathering at 6 pm. Keep looking, we all enjoy the little tit bits you add to your photos.

The Hares provided a very healthy winter meal of minced lamb & chicken with rice, supported by a melody of roasted vegetables, to keep the cold wind at bay. Even 3G could take some leftovers to school on Tuesday if he is not taking another sickie. If the run was worth 9, then the food was worth 10. Well done guys & Slops.

ONON            Horse

Run 2471     Seagull’s Flock Up Committee

Run 2471     Seagull's Flock Up Committee

Location: Charles Veryard Reserve, North Perth.

With most of those members allocated runs in June deciding they were unavailable to set them, Barcode and Boner stepped in to prevent a potential flock up.

Selecting a central location with good parking, lights and shelter (albeit shared with a couple of unfortunate homeless guys) we had the makings of a successful evening. I remember this spot as the place that Antman's greyhound was first allowed on the streets without a muzzle then promptly chased a cat down a dark alley.

The council ranger did a swing past but left when he saw we weren't all intending to sleep the night and on the assurance there would be no drinking.
Barcode and Boner set themselves a challenge by laying the trail two days in advance  but fortunately Barcode re-checked on Tuesday afternoon on his incredibly expensive mountain bike, which  incidentally Stewie had to transport back to Lesmurdie after the run.

Too difficult to describe every twist and turn but the pack explored much of North Perth and including a brief crossing over the rail line into Northbridge at Lake St. Very good use of the many night soil lanes in the area although the trail did pass dangerously close to the Hyde Park public dunnies. Something odd about the hares attraction to toilets.

The walking pack, expertly piloted by Phantom kept up a good pace arriving back to the bucket in 55 minutes. Seagull, The Mole and French Tickler beat the pack by some 5 minutes but they weren't clever enough to ditch the Uber far enough away not to be spotted. The pack took 65 minutes and all were very happy with the territory utilised and the quality of trail marking.

A good size circle for a Tuesday evening and boosted by two visitors, Mastitis and Moles American brother from Exmouth Hash.

Returnees comprised the entire Bali trip contingent although by all accounts we were lucky the same number returned as went.
A downhill bike expedition was organised from the rim of the Kintamani volcano down to Ubud.
Chunder lacerated his leg.
Haggis sprained his wrist by dismounting at speed over the handlebars with a double somersault and twist. The landing did however indicate more practice would be useful.
Elbows unusual use of his saddle resulted in a reduction in value of the family jewels.
Crayfish before you organise another event please ensure  cycle training in advance.

Our indomitable Hash Flash, the Sherlock shared a generous eski of Kilkenny to celebrate the birthday that last year he might have doubted he would get to. Good on you mate, we always enjoy the power point presentations and we certainly enjoyed the Kilkenny.

The RA, JJJ went missing so The Grand Master, Seagull stepped into the breach.
Unaccustomed as he is to public speaking, the fact that he can, in private, talk the hind leg off a donkey ensured he kept the circle going until the errant JJJ returned to put something on an otherwise bare table.

The food did eventually turn up and was a novel combination of pizza and hot chips. The American Mole described them as French fries which I found a little extravagant for a pile of deep fried potato. Nevertheless the pizzas were very tasty and plentiful.

Xmas ensured the two people sleeping with their stolen supermarket trollies had a good meal. Xmas should be in line for the Golden Boot award for his warm hearted consideration of two who were looking forward to a cold night.

Congratulations to Barcode and Boner, who demonstrated how to organise a top Hash evening. (They told me to say that.)

On On

Jaapie’s East Freo Fling

Pack of almost 50 athletes and geriatrics assembled under the Stirling Bridge in East Freo to discover the best Jaapie could conjure. Turns out the run was pretty good more so because the walkers had their own trail so the “runners” had the whole surrounding suburbs to get lost in. But we did not. My personal score for the run would be 9/10.

The On-On was a longish affair which tested the pack’s attention span at time. Bon Scott whose portrait is painted high on the abutment wall seemed to enjoy it. The piss was cold (a bonus) and the banter enjoyable. Sweeney (aka Sweetie) copped the bell for being late.

The all-important food was a tasty stew cum curry with rice which came in two spicy choices. Very nice.


On On


2470 Deeply Boring’s Nasty Gorang

The MT Hawthorn library must be sick of the PH3 by now, with the deeply family setting another run from there again. Deeply had lost one member SCB but had stolen his shirt. He found another relative, Not So who was doing a great impersonation of the town drunk, to help set the run. It would have been  great if anyone of these three had bought along more chalk to mark the trail with.

We were directed at the start to look for trail up the road on the right going down. Or down the road on the left going up. This resulted in mass confusion for the dyslexic pack who looked left, right , up and down and still couldn't find the trail.

Asides from these small short cummings, the run was a long success. A very long success! The very official Seagullometer measured us in  at 12.8km. Well for those who did the whole run. I suspect some short cutting from the usual suspects. *Mole FT ETC

A good drink stop of mulled wine was enjoyed and back to the bucket in an hour and 10 for another great circle from Seagulls evergreen committee. The RA got a down down for peeing standing up in the ladies toilet. Boner also got picked on about the Halal slaughter of cattle in Australia as Ms Hanson had found a report that all cattle are  still alive before being slaughtered under Islamic law.

The run was awarded a 7/10. A lucky score as the hares then tried in vain to poison the honsec with their take on nasty gorang.  All other hash members survived. one might presume it had nothing to do with the 12 beers the Hon Sec consumed.

Another great night of hashing



Ramrod and Sir Thom Arse

Run Report 22nd May 2017

Hares:             Ramrod and Sir Thom Arse

Location:        De Lacey Reserver, Maylands

“A crap run”, said Mole, but that’s Mole. Everybody else said it was a terrific run and earned  9.5 on the Richter Scale, although, the usual remarks about too many dogs was again repeated ad nausium. “Fuck the dogs” somebody said, and Ramrod kindly offered his for the rooting (at a Scot’s bargain price) but there were no takers.

The hares were splendid in their rebel regalia, in the form of plastic biddies, and admitted they had nothing on underneath, but nobody challenged them on that, for fear of a frightful sight of Scottish horror worse than massacre of Glenco. The hares maintained they were wearing kilts to celebrate St Andrews, which says something about their mental capacity, down to the day’s date! “Phantom promised us our run on St. Andrew’s Day”, they said, “so St. Andrew’s day it must be, ye ken” – Ghost Who Walks tells no lies!

Reports came in on some of the run’s high moments. Rumpole was vertically challenged but received no down-down for it, just the Bell for the next run; he said he was alright but that’s hard to believe! There were lots of false trails (Seagull got sucked into all of them, and Boner too) but few checks – that seems to be popular these days (except with Boner). Also, no hills – that means it was flat, on the bottom and the top of undulations. (Sorry, I keep using words of more than two syllables – poor hashmen are not knowing, lah!)

It was also reported that slack-arse hares did not mark the trail around the oval (expecting a modicum of intelligence from hashmen, no doubt); and there were no obvious opportunities for short cuts, said Mole.

Pre-circle drinks was the usual scrum with Lasagne shouting for a VB, and was promptly accused of favouring “Virginal Backwash” by the ever lucid and erudite Barefoot. Well it’s better than EB or “Enema Backwash” said Jerry Cans. “How do you spell it?” asked Ace. “I…T” replied Shirlock.

Oh, yes, and while we are discussing Ace and Shirlock, they were accused of having a “cuddle in the car”, “fuck me”, said Mole, “no puffters in the Hash”, not realising his contradiction in termini. Emu complained about the lack of heat, but Dick Tracy was not there to give him any, and Xmas wingged about the Walkers having to direct the Runners.

The Circle was called, and 3G was first up for getting this driver’s licence, after only three attempts, and two wrecks! Mumbles got his usual down-down for the Docker’s trouncing of the Eagles, with his usual fatalistic aplomb. Tripple-J then took the stand as Religious Advisor (Catholic by the way…) and called Stewie up for acting like a juvenile at the Kalamunda “Haggis and Bagpipes” do, with the Perth Metro Band the main attraction (besides Stewie, of course).

Tripple-J reported that Barefoot was see drinking coffee, while scanning the Merabukka Times and was suitably punished. Barefoot was also reported as being one of 300 odd attendees at a “Talk about Sex”, being attracted by the offer of a free lunch, but was then selected by the capaccino psychopathic seminar host for an honest description of his sex life. Barefoot smiled continuously during his grilling, finally admitting that he only had sex with his partner once every year. “So why are you smiling”, asked Tripple-J, to which Barefoot replied “because tonight is the night!” On-on Barefoot!!

Deeply Boring

30 May 2017



2461 Goliath the virgin

The night started off well a good drive from South geralton to atwell, only 40 minutes. You did a good job organising the traffic. On arriving in tell it was thanks to Christmas that we found our way to the ON ON. 


A good roll up of hashers. Short circle. I don't know much about through run but the master runner has done the write up for me thanks FT.


Hi Dollar

My slant on last night’s run.

“a  somewhat confused middle size pack (the on-on directions were incorrect again), gathered at a shopping centre in Atwell in close proximity to the DoRckers new training facility for our first virgin run of the year.

To keep in with the confusion theme, the real hashers were sent in a total misdirection which had the pack sniffing around for the trail for a good 5 minutes. The run kept us east of the freeway heading south, saw-toothing our way down Lyon Road, through new suburbs, around a few ornamental lakes and a nature reserve and eventually back along Gibbs Road to the bucket in 6-6.5km and well ahead of the “Bastard Walkers”, sorry should call the “Rehabilitation Group” misled by a mifted Phantom.

The circle was another lonnnnng affair with DD for birthday boys, a clever avian Ode to Birdman, traditional bullshit from the RA and then usual scramble for the food queue chanting an off-key PH3 anthem.

Dinner was a very tasty curried sausages with boiled rice. A good first up effort from Goliath and Mumbles even though both were technically challenged with one trying to light the BBQ with matches (there is piezo button on the side) and the other stumbling in the dark mixing splash because he did not know how to turn the bucket lights on (there is a switch for that)…” ON ON

Goliath, it was a good night the snags were very moresh. Score 6.5/10 with the food 9/10!


p.s I want the recipe! 



Antman loses the pack

Maybe not the best run of the year (as promised by Antman), but definitely the best run start of the year. A cheeky loop of a sports oval got us back to where we all started from.

However, a track back checkpoint a little later separated the group. I guess all groups thought they had picked the correct course.

From there onwards, there were quite a few too many long straight uphill runs (or maybe because FT was way too fit and found all the false trails well in advance for us). Nonetheless, a great workout.

Just when we thought we were too tired, we had great distraction from a magnificent group of birds squatting over for us while they were doing their personal training. Antman, you get bonus points for planning this.

We were all excited to make it to the end. A hard earned run needed a big cold beer, and the best cold we got was Vic, Victoria Bitter, oh, and ginger beer splash of course.

Great entertainment was followed, and we all had a chuckle about the AGPU 'prick of year' award'.

It was followed by a very yummy hearty meal (chicken, cocunut and rice).


On On



Run 2459 Hamersley’s 2000th

Run 2459 Millington Reserve


After braving the nearby speed camera, which some members unfortunately succumbed to, we assembled at the sports club room, along with well over a hundred members from Hammersley and other male clubs. This was because the run was also Hammersleys 2000th run, meaning that they had kindly agreed to host the evening, along with ‘entertainment’. Some 40 members of PJ Animules had come down from Malaysia especially for the event, which added a touch of interest to the evening. They plastered our van with their stickers to commemorate the meeting.

At 6 pm we set off, following clear directions from Boof. The run was largely set in the Trigg Bushland Reserve, although it ventured down to the coast at one point. Natural historians might have noticed the large number of black millipedes swarming across the limestone tracks. These are Portuguese millipedes(Ommatoiulus moreletii). The Portuguese millipede naturally occurs in southwest Europe. They were first recorded in Western Australia around Roleystone in 1986 and, since the late nineties, have been found in other areas of southwest Western Australia. They are also found in South Australia, Australian Capital Territory, Tasmania and Victoria.

A welcome drink stop was laid on by Hammersley at the coastal car park. Consumption of the beverages was accompanied by a rousing rendition of the Hammersley bolero. After that we ran back to the bucket, aided by the frequent appearance of Boof, who directed us to long or short routes home. Just as we had started to run out of steam Tampax arrived on his bicycle, equipped with a ghetto blaster playing motivational music. It seemed to do the trick for some of us, although I am consistently irritated by hearing ‘We will rock you’ for the 1000th time.

Back at the bucket we were overjoyed to see the appearance of not just one, but eight covorting crumpets. And very fine specimens of humanity they were. I particularly liked the blond in black stockings and suspender belt, who sent my old fellow from its resting 8 inches up to a modest 12 (inches, not centimetres!). After consumption of a few beers the circle began, which was particularly noisy and peppered with f*** this and f**** that. Not really the cup of tea of most PH3 members but the frequent appearance of eye candy made the circle bearable. At 8:30 we adjourned to the club rooms for a gentlemens show. A wench dressed as a fire man appeared, along with a box of toys that I initially mistook for a shoe-shiners pedestal. Various people were singled out for participation, including at one point Seagull’s son. I think the wench became concerned that she might be reported for pedophilia, as the interaction terminated pretty quickly. After a series of somewhat unhygienic acts my attention started to wane, so I retired home for a cup  of Horlichs, so I am afraid I can’t report on the crescendo of the show.

All in all, an epic evening. Thanks to Hammersley for laying on such a comprehensive event.

On  ON


PS: (Ed) The best part was when the the 'Fire Man' wench stuffed an article of intimate aparel in Screwdriver's mouth, taped it shut then did 'wenchie' stuff to him. Screwie was very quiet for once.

Angel and Ripper in Bayswater

Many of the group felt most comfortable when arriving at our run location in Bayswater, given we were stood outside of the local Senior Citizens Centre. After an attempt by Angel to usurp Barcode’s authority by welcoming everyone to the run, we eventually set off on the obligatory loop, this time with a cunningly used steep incline which thoroughly divided the pack within the first 500m. There was some concern at this point as the co-hair seemed to be on the run with us, and had no idea where to go (still trying to work that one out).

Around the streets of Baywater we went, seemingly finding every hill in the suburb. Long stretches kept the pack apart, but some good false trails and checks did bring us back together from time to time. Barcode was stopped at one point by a four-year-old on a tricycle from heading down a dodgy looking easement because, and I quote “there’s double G’s and needles”!!

Towards the back end of the run the pack whittled down slowly to only the four hardiest of Hash men, including, surprisingly, SCB.  Seagull, far ahead as usual, somehow managed to come in 10 minutes after the rest of the runners, managing to get lost between the On Home and Home (how he was elected to Grand Master we’ll never know).

On return to the bucket, Barcode was handed a 15-page description of the walk, but given it was a walk none of it is relevant given this is a run write up.

And on the circle, Birthday down downs were given to Sawbones – who provided a carton even though he didn’t turn up (what a Hash man!! – and yes, I’m looking at you Neon and Boner), and Crayfish, who also provided a carton. Our Hash Horn Q was also given a down down for forgetting to bring the one thing the Hash Horn needs – the horn. Barcode forgot to acknowledge Michael, son of Horse, then delivered one of his outstanding verse’s. 

Dick Tracy, as fill in RA for the Fill in RA then did an outstanding job….filling in. Those Shocker supporters were reminded that their team is shit!! The Hares were given some kind of review, but given Dickie wasn’t on the run it was a bit like announcing the wrong best picture at an Academy Awards ceremony. Food was rissole wraps with coleslaw, messy but tasty. All in all a good night, and a good effort by our hares.

On on,