Run 2631 – Dick Tracey @ Carine

Perth Hash House Harriers, Run 2631 14 September 2020

Hares, Dectective Senior Sargeant  (retd.) Dick Tracey, Budgie

On a warm spring evening almost forty athletes gathered at Carine Open Space for the eagerly anticipated Dick Tracey run.

Before the start I inteviewed the famous detective, who, displaying commendable modesty, said he would give it a score of 9.5.

The packs set off promptly at 18.00 hours, runners in one direction, walkers a few degrees to the side. Within two minutes of the start, Phantom took a tumble trying to jump over a safety rail onto some steps. He handed the map to first deputy navigator Stewie and went to the local clinic for first aid. The GP  persuaded Emu to drive him to hospital to get his hand stitched up. Ably guided by Stewie, the thirteen remaining walkers did a clockwise loop, staying entirely in the open space. Back in 44 minutes, having covered 3.8 km. Just perfect.

The runners were in soon after the walkers. The venerable Pitt scored it an 8, despite having to cross Reid Highway twice.   Q gave it 7.5 ( I think, I seem to have inadvertently deleted the voice memos on my iPhone).

The circle was no more shambolic than normal. Several downdowns were awarded, deserved or not.

Dick Tracey served excellent chicken burgers with a very good selection of salads. No pots or plates to be cleaned by next week’s hare!

ON ON, Birdman

Run 2630 – Top Gun @ Second Bite


The night commenced with a few downers.

1st downer, ACE the co-hare went home crook before the run even started. 

2nd downer, TOP GUN couldn’t get the door to the premises open.

3rd downer, the snaggers and buns had passed their use-by date.

Apart from all that at least it didn’t rain.

SHAKIN and DICK TRACY helped with the cooking.

CHUNDER and BUDGIE sorted out the splash and bucket, filling in for ACE. 

TOP GUN just walked around in circles trying to supervise.

The pack and walkers returned about the same time and were dry without any major grumbles about the run.

POLLY commenced the circle with down downs for DICK TRACY complaining about the ticket sales.

RUMPOLE for something to do with the joker.

SIR KNOB for a birthday.

POLECAT and MUMBLES for years of hashing.

POLLY finished off with a joke about a bloke with tight pants and no balls – still waiting for the punch line.

SIR KNOB gave ELBOWS a down down for cancelling the golf day.

ACTION won the raffle ticket draw.

SIR KNOB told the circle about a bloke who has a business called Coffin Confessions.  He related that this bloke would be in demand from retired politicians wanting to offload on the opposition.

SIR KNOB forgot to mention the run.  I checked with Q who informed me the run was about 8km and a map helped as some of the chalk was washed out. 

The HARE was given 6 out of 10 and TOP GUN was happy as it was his highest score ever.

Free piss was on again and TOP GUN had to clean the barbecue.  At least he did something on the night.

On On

Dick Tracy

Run 2629 – Gnocchi @ Viking Softball Club

As a walker we followed the trail arriving back at 7pm

I believe the runners were on time as well

The rain kept away

We had lights and cover

The meal was excellent

No complaints

Q: How do crazy runners go through the forest? A: They take the psycho path.

Q: Why was the blonde jogging backwards? A: She wanted to gain weight!

Q: Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? A: The lettuce was a “head” and the tomato was trying to “ketchup”!

Q: What do you call a 13 year old girl from Kentucky who can run faster than her six brothers? A: A virgin.

Q: How do you know when you’ve married a running enthusiast? A: When you have more running clothes than regular clothes in your laundry pile.

Q: Who is the fastest runner of all time? A: Adam, because he came first in the human race!

Q: If twenty monkeys run after one banana, what time is it? A: Twenty after one!

Q: What do you get when you run in front of a car? A: TIRED

Q: What do you call a free treadmill? A: Outside.

Q: What do you get when you run behind a car? A: EXHAUSTED

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? A: Run! She’s got a hand grenade in her mouth.


Why walkers do a run write up is beyond my intelligence

Shelldrake Reserve Runners Club, Run #2

6th April 2020 : Nanny’s Awesome foursome run

What time does the 6 o’clock run start? 6 o’clock! Nanny, Lasagna, Gnocchi and Meeka (the dog) that totals the 4 to all you clever hashmen. We left Nanny’s place in 1 minute intervals social distancing. I have lived in Stirling for 35 years and didn’t know we had so many parks. That’s were my rates go to, nice green parks. We kept heading east, further away from home, I felt a Nanny marathon coming on. Another green park and finally we turned to the home direction. Another park, another park, onto yet another park. Finally Nanny said, 1 more park and we will head home. Gnocchi heard us from the front of the pack and sprinted back to Nanny’s house with Meeka.

Back at Nanny’s he had some nice cold home brew, and assortment of tasty beers. Well done, top run. Had wobbly legs walking home was it the marathon run or the home brew? Thanks Nanny.

OnOn Lasagna

Run #3 of the Shelldrake Reserve Runners Club

14th April 2020

Shelldrake Reserve Running Club, Episode 3

Lasagna’s Almost Laksa Run

As is becoming the normal pattern, we assembled in Lasagna’s driveway and discussed the fast approaching sunset and whether our new torches would get us through the run. Life is full of imponderables, isn’t it. We took off in the now regular, westerly direction to Odin Dr.  Left, then down all the way to Karrinyup Rd (fortunately Meeka found a very respectable front lawn to do her business, she very courteously chose a location right next to a bin) then right over the freeway. Then something completely different, we crossed over to the other side (NO, NOT THAT OTHER SIDE) of the road. Down a very sneaky alleyway and into the backwoods of Innaloo. This is new territory, and immediately we became aware that Gnochhi had failed to cross over, so we had to back track to find the slow runner (maybe he was off doing his own false trail, who knows what happens at the front of this pack).  It was then progress through the back blocks and parks that no one knew existed until they were found by the pack, and on past the George Hotel bottleshop – open and doing a brisk trade by the looks.

At this point, there was a total break with tradition and Gnocchi pulled out his phone and phoned his grandparents and asked if it was OK to stop in and say Hello, and make it into a drink stop and general family catch up and chin wag. So, on for another 500m away from the home trail, to find the grannies. Really charming people, obviously not due to Lasagna’s influence (Mrs Lasagna’s mum and dad). After 5 minutes Meeka started to give the pack a hard time, demanding that the run be continued. Back towards home and after a few moments we arrive at a second bottle shop, also well patronised. There must be a message here somewhere. After more parks and alleyways we find ourselves back at Odin Rd, and contemplate which direction to go from here. The hare decides that he is getting tired and thirsty, so it is decided to take the shortcut, using the walking path bridge over the freeway and come into the back of Osi Park Hospital. It’s at this point that there is a heated discussion about which of us is on the higher blood pressure medication. We decide that it must be me because I have one more daughter than Lasagna. Again we CROSS OVER TO THE OTHER SIDE of Karrinyup Rd, and are skilfully directed into a park. It wasn’t till we get to the other side of the park that we realise that Nanny has led the pack on a long track (opposite to short cut) towards home. Back to the Stirling Village Lake where Meeka is forced back onto her lead, before she can going swimming in the mud hunting the ducks (no daughter here to be forced to wash her tonight). Then more alleyways and parks, and we finally arrive at Lasagna’s pathway, and the long anticipated drink. The run was significantly longer than anticipated and Lasagna seems resigned to the fact that this will drag his score down from the previously anticipated 9.9 to a mediocre 9.5.

With drinks in hand, and long stories of bravado about our exploits on the run to Mrs Lasagna the after run session starts well. A few moments later she  re-emerges with individual plates of Sour Cream and Chive Chips. We quickly look around to see if Rumpole has arrived to purloin a few. SAFE. Even Meeka gets a few chips as she also ran quite well this evening. After a few quiet beverages the pack dis-assembles to their own corners of Balcatta, leaving Nanny to contemplate how many parks and false trails will be required to get a score above 3.7 for next week. Lasagna is a harsh scorer. Typical Committee Man, he’s in charge and tuff for everyone else.

OnOn till next run


Run 2610 – Elbows Chicken Run

Chicken Run is a 2000 stop motion animated comedy film produced by the British studio Aardman Animations in partnership with American studio DreamWorks Animation. The studio’s first feature-length film, it was directed by Peter Lord and Nick Park from a screenplay by Karey Kirkpatrick and story by Lord and Park.

What Happened On Monday?

We headed to Willetton for Elbows run.
We gave away a shitload of money, we had chicken again, thank goodness they have stopped giving chickens hormones I don’t know what we would look like with all the chicken we are eating.
We gave Rhino his name back, everyone got a T-shirt and a singlet to celebrate our birthday, we had to leave by 8-30 before the gate was locked so we all went home early some with a few bucks in their pocket.
Next stop AGPU thank fuck
On On
Triple J

Polly’s Raffle

Well what a night!

How ironic was it, that very early in the run, we went straight past Mal Atwell’s shop, where I have been buying all of the tickets from.

The night was full of expectation with the promise that all 4 kitties would be won.

Tickets sold like proverbial hot cakes and in fact, 390 were sold on the night. An all time record.

Dicky had to help get all the butts in the bucket as I was getting RSI. As it turned out I needed a bigger bucket.

First up Top Gun/Rhino pulled out Apricot H06, but there was no owner.

Then Apricot H74 owned by Grizzly who wasn’t able to pull the cover off a wet and dry thermometer let alone the Joker. He drew 2H.

That left just six cards. Grizzly drew Red H73 and then up came Q and whilst singing his theme song, “If I was Rich Man”, and then he was one, having managed to do something that nobody else could, he pulled The Joker and won Kitty2 valued at $938.25.

Back in went The Joker, back in went Q’s golden hand and out came Pink G78 and it was Another Prick in The Wall.

He stepped up to the dwindling deck and pulled The Joker, earning himself $738.25 in the process.

In went The Joker again, in went APIW’s silver hand and out came Green H54.

Up came Colonel and he drew THAT BLOODY JOKER again. A friggin’ hat trick. He collected $538.25

In went The Joker again, by this time he was emulating Elbows, in, out,in, out…

This time it was Pink G26 and up came Dollar Bill.

Could we do four in row, after 47 no shows. The odds were against him with only six cards.

No he didn’t, he extracted 2C and our little friend was still hiding.

Next was Red H90 and Xmas was given the chance to try his luck and he did it. Grabbing The Joker and collecting the last Kitty of $338.25

Last week I said that we would give away over $2,400, we actually gave away $2,553 and for some, it Was Their Lucky Day.

Total funds raised for the 50th were $2966.50, which is nearly 20% more than I estimated.

In all 44 different Hashmen had the chance to draw for The Joker.

I would like the thank Flasher for stepping in when I wasn’t available to run the raffle and Dick Tracey and Budgie for helping on the night and to everyone else who took part.

On on


Run 2612 – The 50th Anniversary of Hashing in WA

No matter what obstacles appeared on the horizon, Run 2612, The 50th Anniversary of Hashing in WA and of the Perth Hash House Harriers was going to start on the steps of Parliament House with the Harriers sent on their way by The Premier.

Subtle car park changes and negotiations with Government Departments by Seagull, Sir Knob and others, Bushie interviewing ER or UT (Extinction Rebellion/ Urban Terrorists) who, as it turned out, knew about Hash and said they wouldn’t interfere with us and a nudge to the start time, coupled with a well marked trail from the bucket to the actual start, set the stage for a fantastic celebration. With Hashmen from Hamersley, Harriettes, West Coast, Corio Bay and other clubs, and old members returning for the event, even Soapie from Thailand, there was a very large pack.

As the pack assembled for photos on the steps, The Premier arrived and after some photos with the assembled pack, proceeded to the top of the steps where he  spoke of the history of Hashing from Kuala Lumpur and its eventual arrival in Perth. With the formalities over, he declared the start of the run “On On that way to the left, or if you were on the ground it was to the right.” Just proves how apolitical Hash is.

The pack headed off to the city, a drink stop and then Jacob’s Ladder. From all reports received to date, it was well marked, well set and a very enjoyable run.

The circle was called, or in this case a polygon and the formalities started.
The welcome is reproduced in full here.

Visitors and Returnees.

Welcome everyone to the 50th Anniversary celebration of Hashing in Perth and of the Perth Hash House Harriers. Perth Hash is the 4th oldest club in Australia and along with Canberra, a daughter of Mother Hash. It is also the mother of 10 other Hash clubs in WA, across the nation and the world., including Honiara in the Solomon Islands, Jersey in the UK and Santa Cruz in Bolivia. God knows how many grandchildren and further generations have sprung from there.

50 years ago some intrepid Hashmen set off on what was the first run, but as there are so many visitors here tonight, I thought it best to get four outstanding Hashmen to represent all of us. The rest of you can do your own down downs. So, representing those first Hashmen, Foundation Members and Life Members of Perth Hash, Cans and St Peter.

Representing all of those Hashmen who missed the first run, but have joined since, some have left and others have stuck like the proverbial. A Hashman who started on Run 14 and hasn’t missed one since, Pitt.

In February 1970 this next Hashman was just past a twinkle in his dad’s eye, but not yet making his mark on the world, or his mother’s tummy for that matter, as he didn’t take his first breath until Run 30.  So representing all those Hashmen born after the start of Perth Hash, Seagull.

Instead of having a racist, sexist, politically incorrect joke on such an auspicious occasion, the On Sec instead reminisced about the state of the world at the time of the birth of Perth Hash, included by request.

 Back in 1970, the world was a very different place,

There was a famine in east Africa and many in the Western World were volunteering to go there and assist.

This included some from Australia.

Anyway, there was a good looking girl over there dishing it out…. the food I mean, and she was kidnapped by an African war lord.

As I said, it was a very different world and the Iranian Army was over there as peace keepers.

Soon they rescued her and, as she was very good looking, she ended up in a prince’s harem.Remember that there were no mobile phones back then and you had to book trunk calls.

The UN was able to get a message to her family back in Australia that she was all right.Eventually, after quite a few weeks, she was able to contact her family in Australia. Her mother said, “But why didn’t you try to escape?”

To which she replied,

“It was like this…

I’d rather be pleasantly perforated by the perfumed penis of a Persian Prince than have my belly button battered by the bouncing balls of a Biafran Bandit.”

The Grand Master then presented Cans and St Peter with Founding Member shirts which said on the back,“I’m over 70 and have been running Hash for over 50 years.”The RA then took over with down-downs for Hashmen with over 40 years experience and then he told his joke.After all of this, it was time for a feed and a great job was done by Dick Tracey and his helpers, cooking the chicken breast fillets which were consumed with with bread rolls and salads.More drinking and interacting with the other clubs, finally brought the night to a close at around 9:30.All in all a very pleasant conclusion to the evening.From the congratulatory messages received on the night and over the next couple of days, it was a roaring success. So well done everyone involved.Here is a list of our daughter clubs.
Honiara H3 [SLB 1973],
Casuarina H3 [AUS 1973],
Perth HH Harriettes [AUS 1978],
Hamersley H3 [AUS 1978],
South of Perth H3 [AUS 1981],
Bendigo H3 [AUS 1985],
Jersey H3 [GBR 1986],
Santa Cruz H3 [BOL 1990],
Perth Bush H3 [AUS 1998],
West Coast H3 [AUS 2002]

50 Year Anniversary

Saturday at the Pickering Brook Sports Club, started with some early starters arriving at around noon to find Growie already set up from the night before.

As the attendees arrived to set up camp, some on the top car park, others at the back of the oval and the non campers trickling in right up to the 4:00pm run start, lots of stories were exchanged and contacts re-established.

The Hare, Boner explained that the trial was uphill, except when it was down hill or on the flat. Off went the pack, walkers included for a ramble through the hills and bush to a drink stop and then a return journey back to the club.

There were some stories from the outgoing GM and Nanny had a Hard Quiz section whilst everyone was assembled on the lawn. After some showers for those smelly ones, and the arrival of 200 cars from the Ford Car Club, the food was served just as it started to rain.

The car club’s band struck up and was still going when the last of the car club members left, so the Hashmen, wives and partners, took over the dance floor. When the band finished and was packing up, an executive decision by GM Barcode, saw them stay for another set, thereby ensuring that those Hashmen who weren’t worn out from running up and down hills were knackered from dancing.

Run 2611 – AGPU @ Forrestfield

We arrived at the longest, skinniest car park ever. Looked like the Mitchell Freeway at 5:00 pm except that the cars were side by side instead of end to end. It stretched from Forrestfield to Orange Grove.

Eventually the Hashmen congregated at the sports pavilion for Triple J’s final departure speech and then we were off.

Through the streets of Forrestfield, along creek reserves through parks to a drink stop that the runners apparently missed. Don’t know how, before wending our way back to the bucket.

Down-downs were given for visitors; Son of Dave and Boner. Pembo got one for letting his dog crap between the cones on a relatively pristine oval just as the kids were starting training. Remember dogs 15m from the food and now dog shit 15m from the kids. New Rule. Rumpole get one for a lack of Tooheys Old in the bucket.

Hash 10 Year Anniversary mugs were given out to Pembo, Conman, and Sherlock and a 20 Year one for Moses. Of course they all got downdowns, but cleverly placed the plastic cups inside their new mugs so they didn’t get it dirty, or they didn’t get poisoned, one or the other.

Budgie got a well deserved down-down for throwing Triple J’s hat in the bin, although after Triple described how it got there, it was more like a condom that a hat apparently. Maybe VW stands for Very Wet.

Grand Master Barcode then took the crate and called forward our Two Founding Members, Cans and St Peter and made them both Life Members of the club. A well deserved honour for 50 years of Hashing in Perth.

He then presented the Annual Awards.

This will also re republished in the ANAL.

Annual Awards
Henry Lawson Award for EloquenceGoliath
The Silver TrapRimmer
Dunny SeatShakin’
Gordon Blue Sir Knob
Run of the YearLasagna
Prick of The YearXmas
Hashman of the YearPolly